Contemplative Sunday and Rose Colored Glasses

What a beautiful Sunday morning.  My thinking candle is burning and the sun is shining through the skylight onto my face…Yellow Leadbetter playing quietly. 

People read my blog but seldom comment…please humor me…If you had to choose would you choose security over happiness?  A job that gives lots of money but you feel like you have to be greatful for and you muster up a list of bullet pointed crumbs of reasons for that happiness like you are convincing yourself.  Frivolous spending over creative freedom?  It’s ok, I can be creative with the things I buy even though I have little energy to enjoy them.  Would you choose your own control over faith in God? The control that has always been at the tips of your fingers, leaving you hungry and empty and you convince yourself that it feels good. Upon reading them the seem like no brainers, but actually apply them to a situation in your life….over your finances….over your security and control.

These are the things I have had my mind on this past week.  I have been sorta on autopilot.  Not really able to focus on the moment.  I have been praying almost constantly.  Waiting for “a sign”.  Found myself a couple of times, not being able to make any decisions…Chocolate or vanilla…? I say, “Well uh…what was the question again?…ummm what was the first option?…Uhhh, you choose”,  is what I finally decide. 

I’ve found myself wanting to take a walk and just check things out.  The first day this notion hit me I was home sick and it was raining outside…not a good idea.  Yesterday I did manage to get outside but it was a family walk, and well, I told you my ability to focus, or to be just in the moment is nil.  I have been very content to just sit and wait…to think about pansies and the shiney magnolia leaves in my yard.

My thoughts lead me to: who will I become?  now with such freedom I can get that little nose ring that is so shiny and pleasing…(Uh oh…I hear the collective gasp)…will I smell like patchouli (more frequently) and will I be BROKE as a JOKE and regret my decision and wish I could renig?

Will my house always be clean? Willmy house always smell of something good cooking? will there always be an art project on the kitchen counter as a work in progress? Will my children be growing and developing their little identities at a faster pace with more contributions from me?  Will my husband’s belly always be full and happy and will he be greated with happy faces instead of tired, dejected faces? 

Am I wearing rose colored glasses?

I have wondered several times this week what is going on with me.  I have always tethered myself to things I have control over.  Always opted for the secure route.  Always provided and happily chosen the path of provider.  Always defined myself by my work and reveled in my work ethic.  I have always also suffered from anxiety.  Sometimes worse than others.  For the past two months, no anxiety. No two ton elephant impairing my ability to take a full breath.  While anxiety resonates suffering when brought up in a casual conversation, what I am learning is that it had some positive attributes.  It kept the cogs greased.  Kept me striving for…something. Held me hostage to the control and the providing. 

What I am now finding, with my dear friend and beloved mate anxiety on vacation is that I am ok. I am ok, just the way I am.  That I no longer am fearful.  That I have examined my faith and rest well within it. 

I wonder what it will look like outside when I loosen my grasp to be more creative, to savor every moment of the sunny days ahead and the noisy giggles of my little children.  You see, when I am striving despite my aching body, when I push myself beyond what is comfortable for my moments, that is all I see.  I don’t see the vivid colors of a beautiful morning. Although I hear the birds I do not contemplate their song. I see that I need to start my car, carry 5 bags of “stuff” (some of them mine, some of them not) to the car, get my daughter to school, get that cup of coffee that starts my engine and get to work all in 20 minutes.  What is it in those bags I carry anyway.  I took a look. It tea bags, books, rose water spray, cough drops. All the comforts of home.  Plus the cough drops to ease the dry scratch that is so often my throat these days. 

Will the colors outside look more vivid? Will the dull haze of my daily schedule that reflects on my skin become radiant.  Will I giggle with my children?  Will the brittle fibres of my muscles begin to soften and become more pliable?

As I finish writing this, the song by Ben Harper “Walk Away” begins to play….

Is that my sign?

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About concretecrissy

Self proclaimed francophile, lover of all things beautiful.

5 responses »

  1. If you had to choose would you choose security over happiness?
    –>Depends where you place your security. And how you define happiness.
    If one places their security in worldly things, it is a risk because all that is here is mortal. Anything can happen at any time to take it away. Security in God? Will take it over anything this world has to offer.
    And happiness? If we base our happiness on situations, we’ll never truly ever find happiness because situations and circumstances are fleeting and never lasting. But if our happiness is connected to our joy, and our joy is from the Lord, then we can be happy even when life and situations and circumstances are difficult.

    A job that gives lots of money but you feel like you have to be greatful for and you muster up a list of bullet pointed crumbs of reasons for that happiness like you are convincing yourself.
    –>The thing about money…is that there’s no security in it. When you find yourself with none of it, and find that needs are always somehow met, anyway…why work so hard at a job for the money when the money can be taken away as easily as you receive it. Why does one choose to swap their joy for the life sucking pursuit of money? Does the money bring you joy? It seems to me it brings more pain and agony because it begins to control.

    Frivolous spending over creative freedom?
    –>Creative Freedom. No matter the freedom flavor, it is always delicious. Frivolous spending brings joy for about 5 minutes because there’s no emotional investment in the process of ownership.

    Would you choose your own control over faith in God?
    –>No question, hands down…Faith in God. He’s the provider of all things good. My best understanding of something is probably not even on the chart of God’s worst for me. He’s shown me this over and over again.

    Reply
  2. Hello, beautiful one. We have, we hope, gifts for your soul to help you heal.

    security over happiness? We chose happiness a long time ago, when we saw a beggar on a street in India with nothing but a bowl – and he was BEAMING!!! If he could be happy with nothing, what was my, a ‘rich’ American’s problem? I was 21. We started work at 17 on this, not knowing but studying the aged (sour & dour versus happy yet crippled). I think we have succeeded; our souls are singing, and we are happy at and towards our own being. And now – we know God is glad because he told us so; he is sorry yet firm he had to ‘prune’ us to make us ready for what lays ahead. Yet still! – we lift our heads and sing to the sky, praising him. Such is true happiness in the knowledge he gave us. (inside we are bowing before him, his majestic greatness. What a strange and wonderful God we have!)

    BUYING stuff vs. Creativity: Think about it. What does Creativity imply? And who is the creator? Nuff said. Enjoy the God in you; it shall help point the path, and help you heal while providing wonders for others to enjoy.

    Issues of Control. Too much to say in a comment box, but to sum: Desire to control stems from fear. The fear stems from the animal’s need to survive. The soul lives on forever. What is there to fear?

    Appearances to Other People (How you act, home ‘prettiness’, yard, dress et al): This is based on animal fears, tied into survival. Ever see what happens when you put a white hen in with all black mates? It’s not pretty. We desire acceptance to all because we fear they may threaten us. See issues of control, dear 🙂 >wink!< love ya! God forgives all mistakes, errors in judgment and sin. He does not care how you look, or how clean your outside house is. He wants only your love, and YOU to live in love and happiness towards yourself and others.

    Anxiety is fear; but a different fear for us MPD's: the fear from inside. These are the muted parts to you crying, screaming in rage, wishing they could die perhaps, resigned – the list goes on. As you can see, this mix of feeling beneath your bubble of consciousness would present itself as "anxiety". I wish I could walk you through this; really. Would jump in the car right now. But it would frighten you perhaps; and I do not want to do that: Peace is what you need.

    Will the colors outside look more vivid? Hon, (we smile sweetly, but a bit tight because we want you to KNOW!): Yes, not only do the colors become more vivid: life is brighter – from light to color to a single sound; and your soul will sing and you will dance in love and joy. There are no words that can convey this (see http://wp.me/p1t0dv-4k )

    Your precious Children: (again, words fail our love for all children here.)
    By touching your inner child, you touch your Soul, and thus can become the child in you. You WILL not only understand your children better (Because you can become one, young at heart and innocent of eye) – but you will find their 'faults' to be what they are: just growing children, living souls to enjoy the song of life.

    Peace. Should you ever have a question, need hope, a little inspiration – or, as Elvis and the Soldier say: "A little soft loving kick in the *ss" – we will help with all our love and soul and will never try to harm you, nor control you, nor sway you towards anything but love, gentleness, kindness, and your own self-control over feelings, beings, and those things inside – whatever they may be. We are here for you, and all mankind now.

    JW and Friends, et al. And my dear, if you were 'pruned' like me – you are so very special indeed; a multitude of souls, rich in life and promise. Peace to you and yours and yours, hon.

    Reply
  3. I always want to comment, but I am so tired recently that the words don’t sink from my brain down to my fingers to type. I love your blog. This morning it was especially relevant. I have been in the same situation and waiting for a sign to guide me. I spend my days filled up with useless thinking for work and school, I love that you really make me think about what is going on inside of me. I would think the song was a sign for sure!

    Reply
    • I’m sorry you are so tired these days Terri 😦 I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was how “stupid” I was for thinking I could ever survive without my security. I don’t know why that word “stupid” was in my head. I hardly ever use it. It is sorta like a cuss word to me. Surely God wouldn’t use that word…

      Your hard work will pay off, I promise!

      Reply
  4. Hello! I would choose security….

    I enjoyed reading from your stream of consciousness.

    Reply

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