Today I woke up with this scene in my head from childhood and I keep yearning to seek out – a hot summer day, to ride my bike out through the flat fields of Maryland. I used to love to ride my bike like that out into nature where the people were few and far between. Where there was just me and the sound of my bicycle chain out there in the hot still summer day. Maybe it is because it is so damp and chilly right now, or maybe it is the stillness and warmth that I am yearning for. I am immersed in a season of movement, change and flux.
…A crossroads of sorts.
I am searching out the simple, basics and necessities of life – hopefully.
I want my children to know the comfort of a mom when the aren’t feeling well. I am not convinced they do -if they fall ill on a week day, it is usually a caregiver that fills in for me because I am uncomfortable missing a day of work, as work is how I define myself. Of course, on a weekend they get all the mommy they can handle, but well, that just isn’t enough for me these days. I have been a mother for 17 years and 6 months and never has this been a plight I carried around with me until recently.
I want to sit in the yard on a summer day with my two little children and laugh and marvel at how beautifully amazing they are and what a gift I have received in them.
I want to hear the squeakiness of a bicycle chain because all I hear now is the list of chores rattling through my mind and the rumblings of prioritizing of such tasks for efficiency.
I want to be responsible for building my childrens character more hours of a day than the childcare providers.
I want them to know the comforts of home and that the love we share therein is their foundation not just for a few hours of a day but for the rest of their lives.
It is my hope that they learn through all of these things I want for them that it is ok to be still. It is ok to be quiet. It is ok to seek comfort in your mom when necessary and rest. I want them to know that I too am in the moment with them.