Category Archives: Beauty

The Winds of Change

 As I sit here engulfed in the winds of change I am optimistic, hopeful, full of love and anticipation as well as nervous, cautious and unfamiliar with my future path.

Today I have 10 more days of being an employee and then I am off on my own to sail the seas of this life. (That might sound a bit dramatic, but work is a larger portion of who I am than is proportionate to the other things that define me).  It is a bit unnerving.  I have always been tethered to the American lifestyle by working sometimes multiple jobs not because it was always necessary, but because it was what came natural to me.  After a while it was how I defined myself. It was how society defined me to a certain extent.  It was how I “took care of business” and my child…and then children.

This life has been kind to me. I honestly believe that.  It hasn’t always been easy, I haven’t always made the right choices but it has never been catastrophic.  Others opinions in this regard might differ, but largely I have fond memories and have come to terms with my skeletons.  (In certain countries skeletons are talismans and I can appreciate that. Without my skeletons I would not be who I am, as whethered as I may be, literally and figuratively. )

The past couple of years have not been easy, I have managed to work two sometimes three jobs while maintaining a happy marriage, a teenager, a child in the midst of family crisis and a baby who is now a toddler, all while being in the midst of an illness that is undefinable and evasive.  Largely I have been successful.  As a result, my family has made a collective decision that it is time for me to be a mom and to be my toddler’s human experience and not just the daycare shuttle and nighttime tucker-in’er.  That it is time to love my daughter and support her in her challenges in attempting to understand who to become after being subjected to scenes that a grown woman would be challenged to face, to stand resolute in what is love and health.  Her heart has been broken at what she considers to be a great loss of a brother – even though as adults we know that divorce is not a literal death, even if it feels like it.  It is time to be a wife who does laundry again and handles the household so that her husband can rest and renew.  It is time to guide my 17 year old into the tides of his life and be a bouy to his journey. 

It is time for me to do what I am passionate about.  Spending time with people with a sincere desire to change their lives and their health and to face the fears emotionally and physically.  To communicate with them and to help then choose a path of freedom from the constraints of what their bodies have become and help facilitate pursuit of their goals and dreams.

What more could I ask for?  This is my dream life.  Nonetheless, I am nervous. I am nervous about learning to master a new form of balance.  Of who I will become and all of the possibilities in my days.  I am nervous at the amount of responsibility I will have and the value of such to my family and others.  I am nervous that my finances will suffer, if I didn’t acknowledge that out loud I would be dishonest.

I have prospects, I have fallback plans, I have opportunites but most of all I have FAITH.  Faith in my god, faith in my friends, community and family.  Most of all, I have learned to have faith in myself and my strength and most importantly, my future.

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Contemplative Sunday and Rose Colored Glasses

What a beautiful Sunday morning.  My thinking candle is burning and the sun is shining through the skylight onto my face…Yellow Leadbetter playing quietly. 

People read my blog but seldom comment…please humor me…If you had to choose would you choose security over happiness?  A job that gives lots of money but you feel like you have to be greatful for and you muster up a list of bullet pointed crumbs of reasons for that happiness like you are convincing yourself.  Frivolous spending over creative freedom?  It’s ok, I can be creative with the things I buy even though I have little energy to enjoy them.  Would you choose your own control over faith in God? The control that has always been at the tips of your fingers, leaving you hungry and empty and you convince yourself that it feels good. Upon reading them the seem like no brainers, but actually apply them to a situation in your life….over your finances….over your security and control.

These are the things I have had my mind on this past week.  I have been sorta on autopilot.  Not really able to focus on the moment.  I have been praying almost constantly.  Waiting for “a sign”.  Found myself a couple of times, not being able to make any decisions…Chocolate or vanilla…? I say, “Well uh…what was the question again?…ummm what was the first option?…Uhhh, you choose”,  is what I finally decide. 

I’ve found myself wanting to take a walk and just check things out.  The first day this notion hit me I was home sick and it was raining outside…not a good idea.  Yesterday I did manage to get outside but it was a family walk, and well, I told you my ability to focus, or to be just in the moment is nil.  I have been very content to just sit and wait…to think about pansies and the shiney magnolia leaves in my yard.

My thoughts lead me to: who will I become?  now with such freedom I can get that little nose ring that is so shiny and pleasing…(Uh oh…I hear the collective gasp)…will I smell like patchouli (more frequently) and will I be BROKE as a JOKE and regret my decision and wish I could renig?

Will my house always be clean? Willmy house always smell of something good cooking? will there always be an art project on the kitchen counter as a work in progress? Will my children be growing and developing their little identities at a faster pace with more contributions from me?  Will my husband’s belly always be full and happy and will he be greated with happy faces instead of tired, dejected faces? 

Am I wearing rose colored glasses?

I have wondered several times this week what is going on with me.  I have always tethered myself to things I have control over.  Always opted for the secure route.  Always provided and happily chosen the path of provider.  Always defined myself by my work and reveled in my work ethic.  I have always also suffered from anxiety.  Sometimes worse than others.  For the past two months, no anxiety. No two ton elephant impairing my ability to take a full breath.  While anxiety resonates suffering when brought up in a casual conversation, what I am learning is that it had some positive attributes.  It kept the cogs greased.  Kept me striving for…something. Held me hostage to the control and the providing. 

What I am now finding, with my dear friend and beloved mate anxiety on vacation is that I am ok. I am ok, just the way I am.  That I no longer am fearful.  That I have examined my faith and rest well within it. 

I wonder what it will look like outside when I loosen my grasp to be more creative, to savor every moment of the sunny days ahead and the noisy giggles of my little children.  You see, when I am striving despite my aching body, when I push myself beyond what is comfortable for my moments, that is all I see.  I don’t see the vivid colors of a beautiful morning. Although I hear the birds I do not contemplate their song. I see that I need to start my car, carry 5 bags of “stuff” (some of them mine, some of them not) to the car, get my daughter to school, get that cup of coffee that starts my engine and get to work all in 20 minutes.  What is it in those bags I carry anyway.  I took a look. It tea bags, books, rose water spray, cough drops. All the comforts of home.  Plus the cough drops to ease the dry scratch that is so often my throat these days. 

Will the colors outside look more vivid? Will the dull haze of my daily schedule that reflects on my skin become radiant.  Will I giggle with my children?  Will the brittle fibres of my muscles begin to soften and become more pliable?

As I finish writing this, the song by Ben Harper “Walk Away” begins to play….

Is that my sign?

When life throws you lemons… (via Unlimited Inspiration)

Unlimited Inspiration, thank you for sharing this, I couldn’t help but reblog your wise story. I think I have been all three, but right now, I am not sure which one I am…(pondering).

When life throws you lemons... …do you make lemonade?  Do you say ‘Pass the tequila and salt?”  or do you duck and run? This story makes you think about how you handle adversity Carrots, Eggs & Coffee  A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee…You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.  A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She wa … Read More

via Unlimited Inspiration

Poems I love (via Ordinary Chaos)

Thank you Ordinary Chaos for showing me more beauty ❤

She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron (George Gordon) She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that’s best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes; Thus mellowed to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies. One shade the more, one ray the less, Had half impaired the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress, Or softly lightens o’er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express, How … Read More

via Ordinary Chaos

On Anticipating Good Things on Anticipating Bad Things

Rapid heart rate, clammy hands, shallow breathing…struggling with the unknown. Worried that I will just be out there “floating” without a purpose…Will life be good? Will life be agonizing? Will I be restless? Will I be fulfilled?  Will I sap the life out of my friends with my whining?

I’m just doing it.  (As I tiptoe up to the edge of the cliff -wind blowing my hair).  Faith, love, peace and priorities.

Doubt (via Slow Mover)

Uhhh Ohhh. I think I am beginning to get the message.

Thank you for being “around” Slow Mover” and helping with my decision making. I never really realized how encouring a blog could be.

Outside the window of my darkened room a light beckons, “Come. Come. Come out of the night.” It is but a tiny glow. But Oh What power it radiates! And yet I stay where I am. It still awaits patiently, just outside the darkness, never flickering, though the winds of broken promises storm against it. It is my decision. I know I must decide and I know I will. But as for now I feel only one thing; blank uncertainty. (Journal entry – April 27, 1986) … Read More

via Slow Mover

ROAD – CHOICES – LIFE (via Silvia’s Bliss)

Wow! This is exactly what I needed right this minute! Thank you so much for being on the ‘press.

ROAD - CHOICES - LIFE THE ROAD NOT TAKEN Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden … Read More

via Silvia’s Bliss