As I sit here engulfed in the winds of change I am optimistic, hopeful, full of love and anticipation as well as nervous, cautious and unfamiliar with my future path.
Today I have 10 more days of being an employee and then I am off on my own to sail the seas of this life. (That might sound a bit dramatic, but work is a larger portion of who I am than is proportionate to the other things that define me). It is a bit unnerving. I have always been tethered to the American lifestyle by working sometimes multiple jobs not because it was always necessary, but because it was what came natural to me. After a while it was how I defined myself. It was how society defined me to a certain extent. It was how I “took care of business” and my child…and then children.
This life has been kind to me. I honestly believe that. It hasn’t always been easy, I haven’t always made the right choices but it has never been catastrophic. Others opinions in this regard might differ, but largely I have fond memories and have come to terms with my skeletons. (In certain countries skeletons are talismans and I can appreciate that. Without my skeletons I would not be who I am, as whethered as I may be, literally and figuratively. )
The past couple of years have not been easy, I have managed to work two sometimes three jobs while maintaining a happy marriage, a teenager, a child in the midst of family crisis and a baby who is now a toddler, all while being in the midst of an illness that is undefinable and evasive. Largely I have been successful. As a result, my family has made a collective decision that it is time for me to be a mom and to be my toddler’s human experience and not just the daycare shuttle and nighttime tucker-in’er. That it is time to love my daughter and support her in her challenges in attempting to understand who to become after being subjected to scenes that a grown woman would be challenged to face, to stand resolute in what is love and health. Her heart has been broken at what she considers to be a great loss of a brother – even though as adults we know that divorce is not a literal death, even if it feels like it. It is time to be a wife who does laundry again and handles the household so that her husband can rest and renew. It is time to guide my 17 year old into the tides of his life and be a bouy to his journey.
It is time for me to do what I am passionate about. Spending time with people with a sincere desire to change their lives and their health and to face the fears emotionally and physically. To communicate with them and to help then choose a path of freedom from the constraints of what their bodies have become and help facilitate pursuit of their goals and dreams.
What more could I ask for? This is my dream life. Nonetheless, I am nervous. I am nervous about learning to master a new form of balance. Of who I will become and all of the possibilities in my days. I am nervous at the amount of responsibility I will have and the value of such to my family and others. I am nervous that my finances will suffer, if I didn’t acknowledge that out loud I would be dishonest.
I have prospects, I have fallback plans, I have opportunites but most of all I have FAITH. Faith in my god, faith in my friends, community and family. Most of all, I have learned to have faith in myself and my strength and most importantly, my future.
Rapid heart rate, clammy hands, shallow breathing…struggling with the unknown. Worried that I will just be out there “floating” without a purpose…Will life be good? Will life be agonizing? Will I be restless? Will I be fulfilled? Will I sap the life out of my friends with my whining?
I’m just doing it. (As I tiptoe up to the edge of the cliff -wind blowing my hair). Faith, love, peace and priorities.